Memories
by Luckie D
Summary: Maria deals with memories that she wants to deal with alone. John does not want her to be alone for once. Please R and R. Only one chapter.


**8/18/08-I knew that I would be getting involved with something like this. I knew that I had to do a story based on flashbacks of what had happened to Maria. So, here we go. Maria and Ace are my own creation. John Munch belongs to Mr. Dick Wolf. **

_He was standing over her, his tall figure blocking the light from the ceiling. The pain was unbearable. She wanted to scream, but he continued to laugh. The knife gleamed over her throat, digging into her flesh._

Sweat falling from her face and neck, Maria sat straight up in bed, the tears threatening to fall. "Oh, god. Not again." She whispered as she closed her eyes, still hearing his laughing in her head.

A hand traveled up her back as John sat up with concern etched in his face. She could see it in his face, even in the dark. The sound of her surprised yelp when she woke up startled him from his own slumber. "You ok, love?"

Shaking her head slowly, she pushed the blankets back and sat up further. "No, I...I'm seeing his face again." Her hand traced over the faded scar on her neck, remember back to when it happened. Thanks to her own doctor, she had been prescribed a type of lotion that could fade out the scars. But, she could feel when it happened. "I'm seeing all their faces again. It's been more ten seven years, but it's all coming back."

Her voice barely at a whisper, she stood up, pushed her glasses onto her nose and pulled her jeans on. Letting out a small sigh, she looked back at John, who had turned the lamp on. "I just need some air. I'm not going anywhere. Just the roof." Giving the two cats a small pat each, she gently nudged Ace to make him follow her.

John could only watch with concern and hurt as she headed out of the bedroom. He hated seeing her like this. She was now going somewhere where he couldn't follow. She was remembering back to old pain and she was cutting him out. Sitting up fulling on the bed, long legs draped over the mattress, he knew she was trying to protect him from the pain.

Tonight, however, she was not going to stand up there by herself.

LDLDLDLDLDLDLD

Feeling the cold air entering her lungs, she allowed Ace to wonder aimlessly on the rooftop while she stared up at the stars.

"Scott always loved the stars. Made him feel like he could fly." She spoke out loud to herself, shoving her hands into her coat pockets. Ace stood up on the edge of the building and looked down at the small traffic below. "Don't do anything stupid, Ace. I don't want to clean you up off of the sidewalk, pal." She sarcastically commented as Ace looked over at her, downcast eyes speaking to her.

"David always thought that my sarcasm would get me in trouble. It hasn't yet. Just a few scoldings." She watched as Ace looked back down and let out a small bark as two people ran by, doing their nightly jog. "I hate not telling John why I do this. I just don't want to hurt him, buddy."

"Why would you not want to hurt me?"

Turning around, she saw him standing there, wearing his work shirt and slacks. His bare feet almost looked cold. It didn't seem to bother him much, just the fact that Maria was being quiet about what hurt her. "Why, baby?"

"Because I don't want you to re-live what I went through. You didn't see the looks on their faces when we found them dead. Watch as Scott took his last breath before passing on. What Kevin had done to me. The letter I got when Kevin was put to death." She turned back to the city, bowing her head.

"When was he put to death? I didn't know he was." He stood right behind her, trying to look her in the face as he tilted his head to get a look at her. He didn't want to touch her yet. He wanted to give her space, but not enough that he couldn't see her.

"I never wanted to tell you. I wanted to celebrate myself. It was two months ago. I hid the letter in the back of my closet."

Taking a hold of her shoulders, John forced her to face him so he could wrapped his arms around her waist. He didn't like how she was shutting him out. It always made him feel helpless. He kept his voice low and gentle as he spoke to her. "You should have told me, sweetie."

"I know." Her voice was barely there as he pulled her into a tighter hug. She shuddered as a breeze went by, but her body felt warm against him.

"I love you, Maria. I want to know what's going on. Even if it's painful for me as well. Just speak to me. Talk to me." He shifted his head so he could kiss her cheek before resting his chin on the top of her head.

Feeling his warmth keeping her safe from the cold and the real world, she breathed in his scent before speaking again. "It started last week. It was flashbacks to Alex's shooting. He slipped away in my arms and there was nothing we could do."

John could only run his fingers through her hair, listening to her talk against his chest. "When we came across David's murder, everything stood still. The look...on his face...laying in his own blood. That smell...I couldn't get the smell out of my senses. I can still taste the copper that was in the air."

She tightened her grip on him, her arms wrapped around his back. She could still see Kevin standing over her, laughing his cold laugh. She let out a pained shudder that alarmed John. "You can still see him, can't you?"

Nodding, she buried her face into his shoulder. "Yes, I can still see him. Everything. From the way he held the knife to how he touched me. Thinking I enjoyed it. No matter how many times I tried to get him to stop."

As she started sobbing into his shoulder, he moved to kiss her neck, feeling the fading scar on her neck against his lips. "I'm here. It's all over. Every single one of those lives don't feel pain anymore. I offer you comfort when you want it. When you need it. I'll never let anyone hurt you again."

She moved her face to hide it in his neck. "I know. I just hate remembering every detail. Those memories are so painful."

John pulled back to look her right in the face, wiping her tears away with his thumbs. "It's because you knew and cared about them. You worked with them. You gave birth to one of them. You cared about them all. You have every right to cry, sweetie."

She slowly shook her head, placing her hands over his, which were cupping each side of her cheeks. "I'm sorry, John. I hate showing my emotions. It's always been that I feel weak."

"You're not weak. You're very strong. Powerful. Determined. That's what I love about you. You can make me run for my money. You make me feel alive every time we have sex as well." He cracked a smile, trying to get her to smile. In which she did.

"And that's what I love about you. You tell the truth and you make me smile all the time." She kept her voice low as it was cracking from her crying.

He pulled her into a tighter hug, gently rocking her back and forth. For most of the fifteen minutes of holding her, he carefully rocked her, feeling her breathing against his neck. On occasion, he heard her sniffle every now and then.

Gently forcing her to move her head, he pressed his forehead against her's. "You ready to go back in? Let's get you warmed up. Also, as I can't feel my toes now. Ok?"

"Yeah, Ace might be getting a little cold as well. Just don't let me go tonight." Maria looked up into his face, seeing his brown eyes stare deep into her green ones.

"I won't. I never will." He lightly pressed his lips to her's before the three headed back down the steps. Her fingers laced with his.

-End!

**8/18/08-How sweet was that, huh? Couldn't not help but do this. If wanting to, go right a head and leave a review. I don't bite. More or less, I reply. hehe  
-Luckie**


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